(For the last Monday of every month this year, we will be turning the “Lens of Scripture” to some sort of current event. Please tune in each month to see how God’s Word applies to what is going on the world today.)
Many headlines of this past year have highlighted the tension that exists between men and women. We’ve seen high-profile domestic abuse cases in the NFL, a killing spree motivated by frustration with women, and a rash of hacking private photos and distributing them on the internet. Debates have sprung up in the media about the proper behavior of men and women along with catchphrases such as “Don’t blame the victim!” and Twitter hashtags like #NotAllMen and #YesAllWomen. As we trace the events and news stories of this past year, we may start to ask questions like: What is happening between men and women in our country? Should we focus on men and teach them to view and treat women like people rather than objects? Or do we need to focus on women and instruct them to stop dressing and acting like sex objects? Maybe some of both? Where do we go from here and how do we move forward as a society in this area?
If we go back to Scripture, we see that this “Battle of the Sexes” is as old as Adam and Eve. As we already discussed in the Myth of the Gay Christian, when they sinned against God they were not only separated from Him, but suffered a curse in their relationship as well (Genesis 3:16). Throughout the Old Testament, we see the results of the fractured relationship between men and women, mostly in the form of men misusing their God-given strength and authority at the expense of women. But when Jesus (God in the form of a man) came to earth, He did not just die for sins so that people could go to heaven someday. He also came to establish the Kingdom of God (Mark 1:15; Luke 11:20) and to make all things new (Revelation 21:5). One of those areas that Jesus came to restore is the relationship between men and women and how women are treated. The story of Jesus and the Samaritan woman in John 4 is just one instance when He honored women as DIFFERENT but EQUAL creations of God in a very male-dominated society. It is not a coincidence that the code of chivalry was not established until after Jesus’ earthly ministry as men began to follow His example.
More recently, as a society, we have made some strides toward equality between men and women, but we have not been able to heal the brokenness and frustration that is still evident in the relations between the two. Again, if we turn to the Word of God, we see that the problem goes too deep for legislation about women’s suffrage or sexual harassment to fix. James 4:1-3 tells us:
“What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don't get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.”
Much of the tension and frustration felt between men and women is born out of misplaced desires and unrealistic expectations. When we make finding the "right" man or woman the end-all be-all of our existence and the ultimate validation of our humanity, we set ourselves up for a crisis. We want a man or a woman to come into our lives and fulfill all of our needs and desires. When that doesn’t happen (either because no one ever comes or because the person who does come can’t live up to our expectations), we get upset, argue, yell, fight, hit, covet, and even kill. Men who hit or exploit women don’t just have a problem with anger or lust. Women who will wear or do just about anything to catch a man’s eye don’t just have a self-esteem/self-image issue. What we all have is a WORSHIP problem:
“For although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened. Although they claimed to be wise, they became fools and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images made to look like mortal man and birds and animals and reptiles. Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another. They exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator--who is forever praised. Amen.” (Romans 1:21-25)
God made us to be worshipers. Therefore, we are always worshiping something. We are supposed to worship Him, but we end up worshiping the things that He has made rather than the Creator, Himself. Nothing that God has made can ever fill us like He can, not even people. When we try to put our idealized notions of the "perfect man" or "perfect woman" in God's place we create idols that will always disappoint us. There are no super-men or goddess-women who will satisfy all of your deepest desires and make all of your wildest dreams come true. You might be worshiping this kind of idol with the movies you watch, the music you listen to, the books or magazines you read, the clothes you wear, the posters you hang up, the conversations you have with your friends, or perhaps on the altar of your computer screen. You might even be asking God to give you the idol that you want so badly, but you will not get it. As James told us, you are asking with the wrong motives (see James 4:3 above). Essentially, you are asking for something that does not exist. God has made it clear that there are no other gods besides Him (Isaiah 43:10-11).
Instead of aiding us in our futile pursuits, Jesus tells us to turn away from them (Mark 1:15), come to Him, and find rest from them (Matthew 11:28-30). We can only find healing, restoration, and true fulfillment in Christ. Only when we become complete and secure in who God created us to be, through our relationship with Jesus, can we properly GIVE ourselves to a husband or a wife rather than constantly trying to GET satisfaction, fulfillment, and validation from them. And that is the picture of marriage that God gives us in Ephesians 5:22-33.
Under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit, Paul tells us that wives are to submit to their husbands as the church submits to Christ and husbands are to love their wives as Christ loves the church. Many people get hung up on the first part about wives submitting to husbands before they understand the full picture that is being painted here. God’s command to men is to love their wives in the way that Christ (the infinite, perfect, almighty God in the form of a man) loves the church AND GAVE HIMSELF UP FOR HER. The woman is told to give in to her husband, but the man is called to give up his life! Which is the more difficult command to follow: Obey an imperfect man? Or mimic the perfect, sacrificial love of God who DIED for His bride even when she was unfaithful to Him (Romans 5:8)?
Men, your God-given strength and authority go beyond getting people to do what you want them to do. God has given you what you need to lead, protect, and serve the women and children in your lives in a way that honors Him. To paraphrase Voddie Baucham: Your job is to treat the women in your life so well that no loser would ever have a chance with them. Ask yourself, “How can we as men make sure the women around us feel safe and cared for?” Be intentional about using your power for good because when you use what God has given you to manipulate or exploit women or children for your own ends, you violate God’s created order. Remember that Jesus did not hold tightly to His ultimate authority as God, but let go of it to love and serve us (Philippians 2:5-11). When men follow Christ’s example and lay down their lives for their families instead of lording their authority over others (Mark 10:42-45), they will find women are more likely to respect them. But even if men don’t get the respect or satisfaction they want from women, they can still remember that their ultimate validation and fulfillment comes from God rather than people.
Women, don’t be quick to give your heart away to boys who don’t know what to do with it or scoundrels who are only looking to use you. Evaluate a man’s character through Ephesians 5:25-33 and stay away from the smooth-talkers who say a lot of the right things, but whose hearts don’t measure up. If that guy who likes you is not able to love selflessly and sacrificially, keep walking because he is nothing but trouble. If he is not committed to God’s Word, spiritual growth, and purity, then pass on him. If you can’t see yourself submitting to him, don’t waste your time with him. Trust that God really does have your best interests in mind even if He never brings you a husband. Find your identity and completeness in Christ, the only perfect man..
If Jesus Christ is not enough for us without a man or a woman in our lives, then our feelings of inadequacy and the problems in society will continue to perpetuate no matter how hard we keep chasing after the wind (Ecclesiastes 1:13-14). Let us focus more on who God created us to be rather than on who God may or may not have created us to be with.
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