Marriage and Family: The Role of the Man

By Mark

We all set out with the best intentions. When it comes to marriage, most of us say things like, "My marriage will be different. I'm going to make sure I find the best spouse and then we are going to be the most loving and romantic couple in history." Of course, this is easier said than done. But why is it that so many people who start out saying these things end up in dull, frustrating, or broken marriages?

While there are numerous factors behind this trend, some of the main reasons include:

1.) We have forgotten God's purpose for marriage.

2.) We have accepted the world's definition of love.

3.) We have accepted the world's standard for a "good man" and a "good woman."

If we are going to be able to make marriages work, we must be able to embrace God's purpose and definition of marriage and reject the counterfeit ideas of the world.

God's purpose for marriage is three-fold:

1.) Procreation - this isn't just about having children, but also training and instructing them to love and follow God. (Gen. 1:28; 18:19; Deut. 4:9; 6:6-7; Ps. 127:3; Pr. 22:6)

2.) Illustration - just as each individual human bears God's image and represents God to a certain extent, the marriage relationship also reflects aspects of God's character, especially Christ's love for the Church. (Gen. 1:26-27; Eph. 5:22-33; Rev. 19:6-8; 21:2, 9)

3.) Sanctification - marriage is just one of many tools that God uses to refine us and make us holy, which is not an easy or comfortable process! (The book of Hosea; Romans 8:28-30; James 1:2-4)

God's purpose flies in the face of the world's idea that marriage is about two people being happy. It's not that God doesn't want people to be happy, but His calling for those who enter this sacred covenant is bigger than two people coming together seeking to have their own needs and wants met by the other. When both people are takers, nobody gets anything. On the other hand, when two people come together to GIVE to each other in a Christ-like manner they are both blessed. If we simply went into marriage with a more accurate picture of what God actually created it to be, I believe we would have a much higher success rate in our country than we do today.

A definition of Biblical Love (according to Voddie Baucham):

"Love is an act of the will, accompanied by emotion, that leads to action on behalf of its object."
First and foremost, love is a choice. It is not some overwhelming force that makes us do ridiculous things like leave our spouses for someone else. Emotions are still involved as we care for those whom we love, but they follow the decision, not the other way around. Second, love always results in action. Love is not just the fondness or affection that we feel for someone else, it is proven by what we actually do for that person. Finally, actions that are done out of true love should primarily benefit the other person, not ourselves. Many demonstrations of "love" are done either to make ourselves look good or to manipulate the other person to get what we want. For more on the Biblical perspective of love, see 1 Corinthians 13 and compare the concepts found there with the idea of "love" that we find portrayed in our culture's media.

The Bible's standard for a "good man":

The world evaluates men with a shallow scale. It values attributes like physically attractive, athletic, wealthy, etc. Not that there is anything wrong with these traits, but they have absolutely nothing to do with a man's character, leadership, or his relationship with God. Women who use the world's standard when looking for a husband often end up with men who don't help them around the house or with the kids, don't spend quality time with them, and don't really love them for who they are. Instead of feeling loved, cherished, and nurtured, these women feel used, manipulated, and tired.

The Bible gives us a completely different picture of what a man should be. Below are the minimum requirements for a Godly husband. If a woman does not know a man who meets this basic standard, she would do well to hold off on marriage, pray, and wait on God to bring the right man into her life at the right time rather than compromising and settling for a mediocre husband now. If a man realizes that he does not measure up to God's expectations for husbands, then he better start reading God's Word and praying hard if he hopes to get married someday. It's never too early to start preparing for one of life's greatest callings: leading a Godly family. Here is what it will take:

1.) He must lead in love: the example that God gives to husbands to follow is Christ (Ephesians 5:25). In the same way that Christ loved the Church and gave His life for her, men are supposed to love their wives and lay down their lives for them. Again, love begins as a choice, not a feeling of attraction. We see from Jesus' prayer in Gethsemane that He did not feel like enduring the weight of God's wrath, but He chose to do it anyway (Luke 22:42). Likewise, when a man enters into a marriage relationship with a woman, he must realize that he is making a commitment to love this woman with everything he has until he dies . . . and he's not always going to have that "loving feeling" that makes it easy to do that. He must realize that God has put the responsibility on him to love his wife and family even when they do not deserve it. He is to represent the unconditional love of God at all times, not just when it's convenient or comfortable. As a man looks to test himself in this area, or as a woman evaluates potential husbands, a good question to ask is: What is his understanding of love? Is it based on his own feelings that change over time, or is it based on a decision to do what he knows is right in every situation?

2.) He must lead in spiritual maturity: this begins with a commitment to the Word of God (2 Timothy 2:15). A man who is not regularly reading, studying, memorizing, and applying God's Word does not take his role as husband and father seriously. Ephesians 5:26 talks about Jesus washing His bride "with water through the word." Deuteronomy 6:6-9 talks about the responsibility of fathers to be constantly teaching and reminding their families of the things that God has said. The Bible is supposed to be our primary weapon and tool in life. A man who is not learning how to use it correctly is just foolish.
Spiritual maturity also involves a commitment to righteousness and holiness. A Godly man is not willing to compromise God's law for his own comfort or self-gratification. This means that a man must not put his immediate desires ahead of what is best for himself or anyone else. The big question that a man must answer for himself, or a woman must answer about the man she wants to marry is this: Does he make the Word of God a high priority in his life or is he too busy with sports, music, friends, video games, or other worldly ambitions?

3.) He must lead in selflessness: a man who wants to make his marriage work must be willing to die to self. In other words, he needs to kill his pride. Ephesians 5:28-29 tells husbands to love their wives as their own bodies. They must care for their wives just like they would care for themselves. They must forgive their wives just as they would want to be forgiven themselves. They must learn to treat their wives the way women like to be treated. A man cannot do these things when he holds on to pride. This does not mean that a man must subject himself to his wife's every whim. After all, he is still supposed to be the leader and is responsible for the direction of his family. Rather, his actions should benefit his wife and children. But even loving husbands have to make difficult decisions that their families may not understand or agree with at first. The difference between a loving husband who overrules his wife and an unloving husband who overrules his wife is their reasoning. Does he do it because he is trying to honor God first and foremost, or does he do it for his own personal preferences?

Being a Godly husband and father is a high calling and should not be taken lightly. No one should assume that they will simply "get the hang of marriage" once they've jumped into it. That kind of attitude is just asking for disaster. Jesus talks about counting the cost of being a disciple in Luke 14:28-33. His point is simple: we need to consider our ability to finish something before we start it. Whether it's a lifetime commitment to Christ or to another person, we need to count the cost and see if it's really something that we can follow through on. If anyone feels like they don't measure up to God's standard, they don't have to give up on the idea of ever getting married. They may simply find that they have a lot of learning and growing to do first. Remember, it's never too early to start preparing for marriage.